Swimming

ratner-natatorium

I should but don’t like swimming. I do not care that it is good exercise and easier on the joints. I do not find it fun, nor do I not find it relaxing. It is unnerving and tiring. Swimming is not a sport. It’s avoiding death.

When you fail at running, you fall, scrape your knees, and bleed a little. When you fail at swimming, you sink, have your lungs fill with water, and die. With my tendency to do most activities slightly snockered, I think it’s best that I avoid the pool. Any form of recreation where the downside is accidental death is not for me.

And what is up with all the hoopla that surrounds swimming events at the Olympics? It’s a bunch of men with not enough swimwear on, and a bunch of women with too much swimwear on. On top of the questionable aesthetics, they don’t even go fast. Next time you watch a swim meet, focus on the judges that *walk* alongside the edge of pool. With a measured gait, and in chinos and blue blazers, they match pace with the *fastest* swimmers in the world. What a lame event. D-bags in cruise-ship apparel keep up without breaking stride.

The most absurd of all swimming related activities are the polar bear clubs, where men prove how manly (and by extension hairy) they are by donning Speedos and jumping in freezing water and having their balls shrivel. I’d love to go back in time and explain these events to the passengers on the deck of the Titanic as it slowly sank. I bet they would take real solace in knowing that their soon to be deaths would become a yuppie pastime within the century.

Or maybe I don’t look good in a swimsuit.

Jeff

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5 responses to “Swimming

  1. you gotta admit hot tubs are kinda great though.
    but I am like a cat and HATE being wet.
    the minute I’m out of that tub, I want to be dry asap.

  2. Hot tubs are OK in my book, especially if you mix in champagne and a rooftop view. As for hating being wet, that’s just odd…playing in the rain is ridiculously awesome. Jeff.

  3. Pingback: How to fail at death | Respiratory blog

  4. Jeff,

    Long time no see (this is Andy from CTY Lancaster). Your posts are hilarious, keep them coming.

    Andy

  5. @andy Thanks. If you ever make it out to nyc, let me know.

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