Fancy Cocktails


I’m a fairly simple girl. It doesn’t take a lot of bells and whistles to make me happy. Which is why when I see my female comrades (and certain male friends too) order some fancy cocktail nonsense, I can’t help but cringe in despair.

I like some fruity drinks. A mojito in summer. A margarita on the beach. But you’re not impressing anyone with your four-fruit colada. As a rule, drinks should be made with as few ingredients as possible. Why must you overcomplicate a boozy night on the town? If you want something sweet, order the cake, not the chocolate ravage. It will take the bartender ten seconds to pull a pint or pour my scotch. You’re backing up the line and wasting everyone’s time with your super deluxe “martini.”

A martini should be made one way: with gin.

Or maybe I just break too many long-stemmed glasses.



7 responses to “Fancy Cocktails

  1. Aaron Goldfarb

    Not that I drink martinis that often, but the rare times I do, it infuriates me when the bartender says, “Vodka?” No, gin, like it’s supposed to be made. Likewise, at the 21 Club of all places (long story), the bartender actually asked me what Scotch I wanted in my Manhattan. Uh, none, because it’s made with bourbon you fucking retard.

    You’re right though, it should just be bourbon or Scotch neat. If the cocktail shaker comes out in a packed bar, you are an asshole.

  2. A Manhattan is traditionally made with rye.

  3. @Dan >> Exactly. It also kills me when the bitters are omitted. It’s a three ingredient drink, been around for well over century, and still gets messed up by far too many bartenders…what a sad world we live in. Jeff.

  4. Aaron Goldfarb

    Well yeah, but very few bars stock rye nowadays. And Employees Only is the only bar I know of in Manhattan that has close to the “correct” bitters being that they aren’t commercially produced any more.

  5. Who am I kidding—I’ll drink anything. — Andrea

  6. Have you tried J Pear Brandy?

  7. I can’t say I’ve sampled J Pear before, though I do enjoy brandy writ large. I know of few drinks that can sit a man down faster than Slivovice (plum brandy). Jeff

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